FIRE AT WILL!

As anyone who as watched the film Zulu will recall; the first Zulu to be shot at Rorke's Drift was called Will.. No doubt this was uppermost in the minds of British inteligence when deciding on which Royal to send out to Afghanistan to "do their bit".

There was a time when any self respecting King or Prince would jump at the chance to get out the shiny armour, polish up the crown and lead his troops to victory. Occasionally this would backfire and bloody be-crowned heads would be waved about embarassingly on the field of battle - but generally capturing visiting celebrities alive was far more lucrative and no doubt more dignified. In the absence of widespread media coverage nothing could up the profile of an uncharismatic monarch quite as much as a loyal peasantry being forced to tighten their belts at home in order to raise the necessary ransom for his return, A few months being wined and dined as an honoured guest of the triumphant victor and then back home to cheering crowds and a heroes welcome. Of course one had to be pick one's enemies - the further one travelled away from the civilised playing fields the less likely it would be that the game would be played properly. Which brings me to The Crusades ( first blood part I ); Being chained to dungeon wall for dozens of years only to find your brother on the throne and the local forest awash with outlaws came as a bit of a shock to Richard the Lionheart. But then he kept the Lionheart bit - not Richard Who? or Richard the Unshaven, or Dungeon Dick.

"Leaders of armies have better things to do than fire at each other!" Wellington says in the 1970 film Waterloo, as Napoleon comes into range on the hill opposite. Possibly a better solution would be the exact opposite - Let the leaders get on with it whilst the rest go home and watch it on telly.

Of course its all a bit different now. No big set-piece battles with carefully choregraphed squares and columns of colourful cheering troops gleefully lopping bits off each other to the stern approval of distant mounted commanders. From the most important medal bedecked general to the grunt peeling potatoes - now all are fair game.

To his credit Harry took his chances and has returned safely. Whether this was one individual doing his duty, a morale boosting propaganda exercise or just an old fashioned British cock-up is up for discussion in every pub in the country. Should we have known? did the Taliban know? and who else is out there?. Not to Imagine the embarassment of the establishment if the ginger haired little scamp had been captured and we had been forced into clandestine negotiations with the Americans for the release of half of Guantanamo in exchange!

But then let's have some real fun...Round up all the politicians who supported this/these wars and give them each a tour of duty. (preferably in a bright red uniform with the startegically crossed white belt that the Boers found such sport ) and while we're at it lets re-name them all Will.....